Category: the two towers

“Halflings!” laughed the rider that stood beside Eomer, “Halflings! But they are only a little people in old songs and children’s tales out of the North. Do we walk in legends or on the green earth in the daylight?”

“You didn’t think that Halflings were real?” asked Aragorn. “That’s like, super racist, dude. Are elves also imaginary?”

“It’s 3019, I thought we were past this,” muttered Legolas. 

Saruman could probably engineer less messy ways to create new orcs but he does the whole ‘digging them out of mud’ thing because it’s important to the orc aesthetic. Can’t just birth a baby orc. Gotta dig a fully grown one out of the filth and muck. 

Aragorn says “Dawn is ever the hope of men” which is a nice quote but honestly knowing the Valar, the sun and moon could go away at any time and they’d take ages to fix it which means I wouldn’t exactly count on dawn. 

When Aragorn dreams that Arwen is kissing him in the water, that’s just his horse licking his face. 

If you’re one of those people who think that Balrogs have wings because of quotes like them “flying from Thangorodrim” and “the shadow about it reached out like two vast wings,” you also have to believe that Sauron is into vore because Faramir says that he is “a destroyer who would devour all.”

Then Gollum came back, and slowly putting out a trembling hand, very cautiously he touched Frodo’s knee–but almost the touch was a caress. For a fleeting moment, could one of the sleepers have seen him, they would have thought that they beheld an old weary hobbit, but like, a super fucked up one. Wearing barely any clothes and with giant anime eyes, you wouldn’t think “hobbit” immediately, but if you found out, it would make sense in a tragic way, you know?

Treebeard: My name is growing all the time, and I’ve lived a very long, long time; so my name is like a story.

Merry: What was your name when you were young?

Treebeard: It was just Treebeard. 

Pippin: So what’s your name now?

Treebeard: Tttrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebbbeeeeaaaaaarrrddddd.

Faramir: rip to everyone else who finds the one ring lying by the side of the road but I’m different

If the orcs hadn’t been killed and Merry and Pippin escaped, by the time the group got to Orthanc they all would have been friends. 

Aragorn: We seek two of our friends whom the orcs had taken. They would appear small to you, like children. 

Eomer: We counted all of the dead, and there were no children among them.

Gimli: They weren’t children, they were halflings!

Eomer: Halflings! Those were just a legend to us! They’re real?

Aragorn: Yes, they are. 

Eomer: According to the old stories I’d heard about Halflings, they were hunted by the men of Rohan. I’d heard that they were delicious to eat. Is that true?


Aragorn: ………… I haven’t been able to find out yet…