Category: the hobbit

The Middle-Earth aesthetics | Thranduil, The King of Fall

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Another day of me standing in front of the annual Tolkien Society Conference entrence holding a sign reading “man + dwarf = hobbit.” None of the scholars will make eye contact with me but I know I’m right.

Bilbo “corrupted” the next generation hobbits, but like, to what extent? Merry and Pippin wanted to go on an adventure, but no one did until Frodo. Was the next generation just weird? Constantly stealing cups? Reciting random bits of poetry?

Hobbit au where Smaug leaves the mountain to attack, but then he seen a donkey that the dwarves used to carry supplies up the mountain he just…fall in love with it? And suddenly he’s not a threat anymore. 

The ring bearer was wealthy Bilbo Baggin’s nephew, and three of his friends got to join the Fellowship of the Ring? Sounds like nepotism to me. Someone should into how Elrond chooses party members, there’s likely some corruption going on.

It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him. But if you live near a necromancer who is secretly Sauron, it’s not a big deal if you don’t know a ton about him or what he’s up to. He’s not bothering anyone. 

“Well, thief! I smell you and I feel your air. I hear your breath. Come along!
Help yourself again, there is plenty and to spare!”

But Bilbo was not quite so unlearned in dragon-lore as all that, and if Smaug
hoped to get him to come nearer so easily he was disappointed.

I didn’t realize that you needed to be learned in dragon-lore to be able to avoid an angry and sardonic dragon asking you to reveal yourself so he can kill you. 

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins put on her secret Dwarven ring of power, turning invisible. She sneuck into Bag End using the secret doorway. Silently, she grabbed a silver spoon and began to retreat. 

“Well, thief! I smell you and I feel your air,” said Bilbo angrily. 

The Hobbit films were so bad, I wish they pushed it even further. Make the soundtrack all predictable pop songs. Smaug gets hit with the arrow and you can immediately hear Bon Jovi sing “shot through the heart, and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name” or something equally obvious.