Category: smaug

Regular

The Hobbit films were so bad, I wish they pushed it even further. Make the soundtrack all predictable pop songs. Smaug gets hit with the arrow and you can immediately hear Bon Jovi sing “shot through the heart, and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name” or something equally obvious. 

Regular

Smaug: Well, thief. How about we trade? You seem well mannered, so you may have something that I desire, that I can trade for.

Bilbo: and what is that?

Smaug: all I have is gold, silver, and jewels. I need something to blow my nose in if I sneeze – it’s quite dusty in here. Perhaps if you had a pocket handkerchief, I would be willing to give even the arkenstone for it. 

Bilbo meeting Smaug

Bilbo: I should talk in riddles. If I’ve learned anything on this adventure, it’s that things that want to kill and eat me love riddles. 

Tolkien Books, Rated by Dragons

The Hobbit: 9/10, fantastic dragon with great dialogue, love it.

The Lord of the Rings: 0/10, no dragons, but 4/10 with extra credit from the Fell Beasts who are pretty cool.

The Silmarillion: 1/10, the main dragon gets a brother and sister to sleep together, do not recommend, there’s other cool dragons but who cares at that point? 

Regular

Bilbo: I am he that buries his friends alive and drowns them and draws them alive again from the water.

Smaug: Jeez…you sound like a terrible friend. Why are you doing that to people you supposedly care about? You’re a monster. 

Regular

Smaug: I kill where I wish and none dare resist. I laid low the warriors of old and their like is not in the world today. Then I was but young and tender. Now I am old and strong, strong strong.

Bilbo: Can I point out, saying you kill where you wish and none dare resist is kind of weird? Like, if no one resists you, then you killing them isn’t very impressive. It’s only impressive if you kill someone who is resisting you. Anyone can kill someone who isn’t trying to defend themselves, you realize. 

Regular

I know Gandalf wanted Smaug to be killed to he couldn’t align with Sauron, but seriously Smaug is the laziest dragon ever. How was Sauron supposed to use him for evil when all he wants to do is sleep on a pile of gold?

Regular

I’m really glad that Tolkien decided at the last minute to scrap having Bilbo and the dwarves create a giant papier-mâché female dragon, complete with lipstick and long eyelashes, to lure Smaug out of the mountain so they could steal the gold while Smaug tried to woo it. It was a weird idea and I can’t believe how close that came to being in the final version.

Regular

Smaug: I kill where I wish and none dare resist. I laid low the warriors of old and their like is not in the world today. Then I was but young and tender. Now I am old and strong, strong strong.

Bilbo: So let me get this right. You’ve been sitting in this mountain for the past 150 years, basically just sleeping. 

Smaug: Yeah. 

Bilbo: And you literally just said you were old. 

Smaug: Yeah. 

Bilbo: And we’re supposed to believe that you’re at the height of your power now?

Regular

“It simply isn’t an adventure worth telling if there aren’t any dragons.”

J.R.R. Tolkien