Category: sauron

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Me: And if you gaze long into a palantir, Sauron also gazes into you.

My philosophy professor: No, that is in fact not the Nietzsche quote. 

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In the hobbit films, Sauron captures Gandalf. Later, in the Lord of the Rings, Gandalf appears and tells Frodo that the One Ring needs to be destroyed. 

What happened was, Sauron and Gandalf hatched a plot to get rich. Sauron insured the One Ring for a ton of money, and his “enemy,” Gandalf, made sure it got destroyed. Then Sauron faked his death and they split the money. It’s so obvious.

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Sauron: okay i wanna add a poem to the ring. i need people to know that it’s one ring, and it rules. good start. also it finds other rings, i guess. that’s not very important, but ‘find’ rhymes with ‘bind’ and this ring binds all the rings together, which is super badass. definitely gonna add that in. Also it binds them in darkness because that’s way cooler than light. 

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Orc: what is it with you and eyes? 

Sauron: I dunno it’s just an easy metaphor for me being in control.

Orc: Why not a hand? Saruman has the white hand. 

Sauron: someone chopped off my finger, I don’t want to focus on that. 

Orc: why not your awesome helmet, it’s all spiky?

Sauron: I only wear the helmet because I’m ugly, and I used to be hot. Again, a bit of a sore spot for me. 

Orc: How about –

Sauron: Look, it’s not even entirely clear if I have a body, okay? Eyes are simple. Deal with it. 

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Human King: So, you want me to wear this gold ring? Don’t you have one in black onyx or stainless steel? Like, you know gold rings mean something, and I’m married so now I’d have two.

Sauron: Just shut up and put it on.

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Gandalf: Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them?

Frodo: Wasn’t Sauron a necromancer? I assume he did bring the dead back to life. So yeah apparently.

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*Isildur picks up One Ring off Sauron’s finger*

Isildur: I hereby call dibs on this ring, as wereguild for my fallen brother and father.

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I like to think that Sauron and Saruman communicating over the Palantir was like two old guys who call each other every morning because they live alone and don’t have a lot of friends, but who would never admit how much talking means to them.  

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PSA: If your friend and mentor has recently been banished to a dark void, an acceptable coping mechanism is NOT enslaving members of other races to use as pawns in your wars for power.

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“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.”

– Thorin, in the Hobbit, perfectly summarizing Sauron and Saruman’s actions in the Lord of the Rings.