Category: one ring


*Many years later*

Frodo: Why did I have to take the ring to the lava of Mordor? Why wouldn’t any other lava work?

Elrond: oh, it would have.

Frodo: what? Then why didn’t we do that?

Elrond: it was ironic that the ring was destroyed where it was made, so close to Sauron. I couldn’t pass up on that kind of drama.


my wife: hey can you do me a favor?

me: yes…but first, you must guess…what’s in my pocket?

my wife: chapstick, your phone, and your keys. Also maybe a copy of the One Ring just to mess with me. 

me: *sigh* this game is less fun when you’re married. 


My wife: hey, I can’t fall asleep. Can you do the thing again?

Me: yeah sure. where did I leave off last night? oh right, so my theory is that the One Ring gives you an asymptotic relationship with death, where you are constantly approaching but can never reach-

My wife: *snore*


Gandalf: I told you to keep the ring secret and safe. Is it?

Frodo: Of course. I put it in a box in my kitchen labeled “oatmeal-raisin cookies with extra-raisins.” No one would ever look in there.

Gandalf: Such a good idea, I’m very proud of you.


I relate to Sauron because he was a craftsman and artist who apparently had not actually made anything since the 2nd age


In the hobbit films, Sauron captures Gandalf. Later, in the Lord of the Rings, Gandalf appears and tells Frodo that the One Ring needs to be destroyed. 

What happened was, Sauron and Gandalf hatched a plot to get rich. Sauron insured the One Ring for a ton of money, and his “enemy,” Gandalf, made sure it got destroyed. Then Sauron faked his death and they split the money. It’s so obvious.


Apparently if you keep going to nature parks, jumping in a river, and claiming you found a magic gold ring they’ll eventually stop letting you in.


Elrond: this is a heavy burden. So heavy, I cannot place it upon you. But if you choose this task, then I will say that you have made the correct decision.

Frodo: what if I don’t choose to be the ring bearer?

Elrond: I’ll have one of my guards shoot you with arrows. 

Frodo: Guess I choose to be the ring bearer!


Sauron: okay i wanna add a poem to the ring. i need people to know that it’s one ring, and it rules. good start. also it finds other rings, i guess. that’s not very important, but ‘find’ rhymes with ‘bind’ and this ring binds all the rings together, which is super badass. definitely gonna add that in. Also it binds them in darkness because that’s way cooler than light. 


Human King: So, you want me to wear this gold ring? Don’t you have one in black onyx or stainless steel? Like, you know gold rings mean something, and I’m married so now I’d have two.

Sauron: Just shut up and put it on.