Category: lord of the rings


Gandalf:  Into his heart the thought will
not enter that any will refuse it, that having the Ring we may seek
to destroy it. If we seek this, we shall put him out of reckoning. If we send the ring to the fire, we will totally…subvert his expectations! *Gandalf winks at camera*


Describing Lord of the Rings Characters Badly

Frodo: Must have done something really horrible in his past life. 

Sam: Makes your own friends look like cabbages.

Pippin: YOLO.

Merry: Also YOLO, but knows when to draw the line.

Gandalf: Salty AF; eats death for breakfast.

Aragorn: Will find an excuse to bring his heritage into anything and everything.

Boromir: Pin-cushion for orcs.

Legolas: *I’m sensing something*

Gimli: Has no filter.

Elrond: Makes a lot of good points. Too bad no one listens to him. 

Arwen: Has a literal death wish.

Galadriel: A bit cryptic, but all right once you get to know her. 

Saruman: “Knowledge is power”.

Gollum: Looks like a pale malnourished frog; has a bit of a dark side.

Éowyn: Middle-earth Mulan.

Faramir: Has daddy issues.

Denethor: Source of said daddy issues.


How am I supposed to reconcile this:

“Gandalf was shorter in stature than the other two; but his long white hair, his sweeping silver beard, and his broad shoulders, made him look like some wise king of ancient legend. In his aged face under great snowy brows his eyes were set like coals that could suddenly burst into fire.”

With this:

“But Gandalf looked at him from under long bushy eyebrows
that stuck out further than the brim of his shady hat.”

So Gandalf looks like a wise king of ancient legend, but with eyebrows that are longer than a shady hat? They have to be like 4 or 5 inches long, how am I supposed to picture him as a wise king with those things on his face?


Smaug: I kill where I wish and none dare resist. I laid low the warriors of old and their like is not in the world today. Then I was but young and tender. Now I am old and strong, strong strong.

Bilbo: Can I point out, saying you kill where you wish and none dare resist is kind of weird? Like, if no one resists you, then you killing them isn’t very impressive. It’s only impressive if you kill someone who is resisting you. Anyone can kill someone who isn’t trying to defend themselves, you realize. 


Gandalf: I can put it no plainer than by saying that Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, and not by its maker

Me: no plainer, really Gandalf? There’s nothing about that that you could clarify further? Nothing at all?


Middle Earth has cram, a biscuit that is unpleasant to eat, which is based on hardtack, a real life counterpart that Tolkein would have eaten while at war. Middle Earth also has lembas, a delicious elven bread that is based on the fact that the real world sucks and fantasy is way better. 


Why did people in the Hobbit think Sauron was a Necromancer? Did they SEE him raise any dead people? Did they even get close enough to Dol Guldur to spy on some dark rituals? Or was it mostly ad hoc slander to justify kicking out a PEACEFUL spirit from his home who RARELY kidnapped any dwarves. 


Me: So the sword that was broken…that’s actually about erectile dysfunction, right?

My literature professor: no, it’s the broken lineage of Numenor 

Me: but…beneath that…it’s erectile dysfunction, right?


Lord of the Rings, except the Fellowship includes one disaffected orc played by Taika Waititi. 


I always forget that Rohan is north of Gondor because I associate Rohan with cowboys and Gondor with like, city folk, and it’s weird thinking about cowboys living north of the city folk, you know? It just feels like they should be in the warmer south.