Category: bilbo baggins

Regular

Smaug: I kill where I wish and none dare resist. I laid low the warriors of old and their like is not in the world today. Then I was but young and tender. Now I am old and strong, strong strong.

Bilbo: Can I point out, saying you kill where you wish and none dare resist is kind of weird? Like, if no one resists you, then you killing them isn’t very impressive. It’s only impressive if you kill someone who is resisting you. Anyone can kill someone who isn’t trying to defend themselves, you realize. 

Regular

Gandalf: I can put it no plainer than by saying that Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, and not by its maker

Me: no plainer, really Gandalf? There’s nothing about that that you could clarify further? Nothing at all?

Regular

Dwarves: Elrond, what do the moon runes say?

Elrond: The runes say “to open the door, you must sacrifice an innocent and drain its blood on the stones.”

Bilbo: Uh…why was I invited on this quest, again?

Thorin: For a very special reason, Master Burglar. A very special reason.

Regular

Balin: The hills are alive with the sound of music!

Bilbo: What?

Goblins: Clap! Snap! the black crack!
Grip, grab! Pinch, nab! 
And down down to Goblin-town
You go, my lad!

Regular

Smaug: I kill where I wish and none dare resist. I laid low the warriors of old and their like is not in the world today. Then I was but young and tender. Now I am old and strong, strong strong.

Bilbo: So let me get this right. You’ve been sitting in this mountain for the past 150 years, basically just sleeping. 

Smaug: Yeah. 

Bilbo: And you literally just said you were old. 

Smaug: Yeah. 

Bilbo: And we’re supposed to believe that you’re at the height of your power now?

Regular

I appreciate that Bilbo’s only desire before settling down in Rivendell is that he wants to see mountains again, and not something more intense like killing another dragon, or another Goblin King, or beating another evil creature in a riddle game or something. 

Regular

Lord of the Rings/Coco crossover where Frodo learns at the last minute that Gollum was actually his uncle all along. 

Regular

Bilbo: *taking off One Ring in the Elven Kings hall* Hi everyone, I’m sorry to startle all of you but I have to speak up. I’ve been burgling this place for a few weeks now, and this is honestly the 20th party I’ve seen. You people are out of control. Shouldn’t you be doing something about the spiders or the evil forest out there? It’s a mess. I just thought someone needed to say something about this. 

Regular

The Valar gave Elrond and Gandalf a ton of gold to gather a Fellowship and pay them to deal with the ring. They got a few expensive adventurers, but by drafting 4 young Hobbits they were able to save a significant amount, keeping it for themselves. In fact, none of the Hobbits even mention being paid. It’s why Bilbo wasn’t allowed to be the one to take the ring – he would have made sure he got some treasure for it. This conspiracy is plain as day to anyone who has read the books. 

Regular

Bilbo *writing down his adventures*: And then we saw the elf king…ugh what was his name? Thrindle? Thrundool? That doesnt sound right…I’ll just write Elf King. It’ll be fine.