Category: balrog

If you’re one of those people who think that Balrogs have wings because of quotes like them “flying from Thangorodrim” and “the shadow about it reached out like two vast wings,” you also have to believe that Sauron is into vore because Faramir says that he is “a destroyer who would devour all.”

After the fall of Sauron, all of the other big malevolent creatures in Middle Earth – Shelob, the Watcher in the Water, any Balrogs – met in Mordor to have a giant battle to establish a new evil ruler. 

Gandalf: I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of anor.

Balrog: if it’s a secret fire why are you bragging about it?

The Balrog reached the bridge. Gandalf stood in the middle of the span, leaning on the staff in his left hand. Suddenly he took out a banjo from behind his robes and began to strum it menacingly. The Balrog halted. “You cannot pass,” Gandalf began to sing.

Balrog: wraps whip around Gandalf’s knees

Gandalf: *moans* harder

Balrog: what?

Aragorn: what?

Gandalf: *appears in valinor* hey I took on a balrog. We killed each other. Any chance you can send me back?

Manwe: yeah sure. But don’t let it happen again.

*few weeks later*

Gandalf: *appears in valinor again* I…uh…I choked on an olive this time…

Saruman: Moria… You fear to go into those mines. The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep.

Gimli: Wait, what do you mean too deep? We’re miners! We didn’t know there was a limit. Why is it too deep? Did the Balrog call dibs on that depth? We didn’t know there was a Balrog, why is it our fault that we awoke something evil that we didn’t know about? Talk about blaming the victim here. 

When Gandalf realizes that they’re up against a Balrog and admits that he’s already weary, why not restore some of his energy with some lembas? Stuff like 20 lembas’s in his mouth and throw him at the Balrog and watch him kick its ass! Why did no one think of this?

Lord of the Rings is considered High Fantasy and not regular fantasy because when the Balrog’s whip grabs Gandalf and drags him down he doesn’t shout “fuck.”


Glorfindel and the Balrog by Eric Velhagen