Category: aragorn

Aragorn: my friends, you bow to no one.

Random guy: LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK

Aragorn: it’s true, these hobbits are the real heroes.

Random guy: YOU’RE WHISPERING AND WE CAN’T HEAR YOU BACK HERE

Concept: Merry and Pippin return to Fangorn to drink a ton of the ent draught, after the destruction of the ring. They journey to Minas Tirith and when Aragorn sees them as tall as humans he immediately dies.

Frodo: I will be the ringbearer. 

Gandalf: Oh jeez, Frodo is going to carry it? He’s so tiny, it’s going to take forever to walk to Mordor. 

Elrond: True. But what if someone carried him there?

*Long silence*

Aragorn: I will be the Hobbitbearer. 

Elrond: here is the sword anduril, reforged.

Aragorn: awesome!

Elrond: in the reforging process there was some leftover metal so here’s a bottle opener, too.

Denethor: I asked Sauron to look into Aragorn’s history. Sauron is a great guy by the way. Aragorn claims to be a dunedain and a descendent from the true kings of Gondor but the only proof he can give is from an elf who’s never even been to Gondor and doesn’t know anything about us. Aragorn is just trying to overthrow me using fake information. I’m the true king of Gondor. 

I certainly hope that King Elessar still returned to the Prancing Pony for a pint every few years.

In order to distract Sauron, Gandalf and Aragorn had a bunch of op-eds published in the New Middle Earth Times about how they were gonna kick his ass on the battlefield, and even though Sauron said he never read that newspaper it was obvious that he did, and all of this helped Frodo sneak undetected into Mordor. 

Thus Aragorn for the first time in the full light of day beheld Éowyn, Lady of Rohan, and thought her fair, fair and cold, like a morning of pale spring that is not yet come to womanhood. But not in a romantic sense or anything, he was just super aware of her, being all fair. And she was now suddenly aware of him: tall heir of kings, wise with many winters, greycloaked, hiding a power that yet she felt. But again, it was super platonic, just a lot of awareness going around. 

Not sure why people are so interested in Aragorn’s tax policy when I am infinitely more interested in Sauron’s tax policy had he won the war. 

Balrog: wraps whip around Gandalf’s knees

Gandalf: *moans* harder

Balrog: what?

Aragorn: what?