The couple stands in front of my rental house unable to get in. The husband sends me a text asking why the door isn’t open. “Look at the sheet that I sent you, near the bottom,” I reply. He scans the sheet again.
“Stand by the grey stone when the thrush knocks, and the setting sun with the last light of Durin’s Day will shine upon the key-hole,” it reads. “C’mon man, we thought that was a joke,” he texts back. I reply that sunset is luckily only a few hours away.
It’s 2019 and I’m constantly avoiding carbs and I love sushi so maybe I relate more to Sméagol than Sam Gamgee? Is that possible?
The school officer chases behind me as I run across campus, fleeing to avoid my math final. “A Elbereth Gilthoniel!” I shout, praying for help. The officer trips over a bike rack and I make it safely to the KFC across the street.
Me to my laptop, which I’ve named Aragorn: “I would rather spend one lifetime with you, than face all the ages of this world alone”
Me: my favorite parts of Lord of the Rings are the heroic characters, the beautiful passages about hope, and amazing world.
Tolkien: and all of the poetry?
Me: Uh…yeah. Yeah, you sure wrote a lot of poems in it.
Tolkien: They’re important for the world building.
Me: they sure are, bud.
Me: But the reason Frodo even became the ringbearer is because he was so weak, he could handle the ring and not be tempted by it! Hobbit’s very strengths lie in the fact that they’re a simple people who can be trusted with power in the ways that the rich and wise couldn’t be!
Banker: So…we should give you this massive home loan…specifically because you’re out of work and don’t have good credit?
Me: Yes, exactly!
Date: Have you thought about wanting kids?
Me: I want to have two kids. Identical twins, if possible. For one, I want to read all of the Lord of the Rings and then show them the movies. For the other, I want to show them the movies and then read the books. Then I want to measure their opinion on each. I guess if I had more kids I could add in the Hobbit and Silmarillion and do more experimentation. I haven’t thought that all out yet. What about you?
Date: Waiter? Check please, I need to leave immediately.
My wife: Are you finished cleaning the bathrooms like you said you would?
Me: *lying on bathroom floor* Darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time, and I wandered far on roads that I will not tell. Naked I was sent back – for a brief time, until my task is done.
Wife: Where are your clothes?
I relate to Frodo because once, a mile into a long hike, I had a piece of gum and I had to carry the wrapper all the way back to the cabins to to use a trashcan.
The yule log that I made this year was white, in honor of the White Tree of Gondor. Didn’t realize that serving it made it look like I’d cut the tree down as a sign of victory for Mordor.