Category: about me

Hey guys if your significant other ever asks you why you chose to be with them, the correct response is not to reply with Gandalf’s line to Frodo, “Such questions cannot be answered. You may be sure that it was not for any merit that others do not possess: not for power or wisdom, at any rate. But you have been chosen, and you must therefore use such strength and heart and wits as you have.”

Host: would anyone like some wine?

Me: I wasn’t planning on drinking tonight, but sure, I’ll have a glass. 

*later*

Me *banging on table*: look in chapter three of the fellowship, a fox spots the hobbits sleeping outside and comments on it. Then in chapter 11 of the fellowship, when Strider is guiding the hobbits, the text mentions that they see a fox. Obviously we should be interpreting that it’s the same fox, following them because it’s curious about what th

My wife: so our cat does this thing where she breathes out heavily for a few minutes, like she’s gonna cough up a hair ball, but nothing comes out. Just air.

Vet: can you describe the sound more?

Me: have you seen lord of the rings

Vet: what?

My wife: please, not this.

Me: you know Gollum?

My wife: ignore him, please.

Baby: *crying*

Me: Hungry again? Looks like someone wants second dinner!

Wife: for the last time he’s not a hobbit. 

Professor: Can anyone here give an example of a tragic figure in literature?

Me: Gollum. 

Professor: Interesting choice. What makes him tragic?

Me: He has fond memories of sucking eggs with his grandmother, but then he lives under the mountain so he doesn’t have access to eggs anymore. So that’s pretty sad.

The gunman holds the barrel up to my head. “All you have to do is read the words on the paper in front of you, and you’re free to go. Just say them.”

I stare down at the words. Tom Bombadil is Eru Ilúvatar’s avatar in Middle Earth.

“Just pull the trigger,” I say. 

Honestly if I’m ever reading my kid Lord of the Rings and they actually say “Shut the book now, dad; we don’t want to read any more,” I have no idea what I would do. 

My friend: hey did you bring some protein bars?

Me: Lembas? I have some here. 

Friend: I don’t think I know that brand, but sure. Can I have one?

Me *handing bar*: Of course. A single bite will sustain you for a who-

Friend: Why is this Larabar wrapped in a leaf?

Satan: So you’ve been sent to hell for eternity. 

Me: Damn. What’s my punishment. 

Satan: You’re gonna be stuck with Greg. He’s a huge Lord of the Rings fan with a ton of theories about it that he wants to share with you. 

Me: That doesn’t sound that bad. 

Satan: They’re all really edgy and stupid. 

Greg: What if Frodo killed himself, and the vision of him sailing to Valinor is just his final wishes as he dies?

Me: Nooooooooooo. 

I awake in an alternate reality in which only I remember Tolkien’s books. I sit down to write them and become rich and famous. “In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit,” I type. I cannot remember the next line. This is going to be a struggle.