My friend: hey did you bring some protein bars?
Me: Lembas? I have some here.
Friend: I don’t think I know that brand, but sure. Can I have one?
Me *handing bar*: Of course. A single bite will sustain you for a who-
Friend: Why is this Larabar wrapped in a leaf?
Satan: So you’ve been sent to hell for eternity.
Me: Damn. What’s my punishment.
Satan: You’re gonna be stuck with Greg. He’s a huge Lord of the Rings fan with a ton of theories about it that he wants to share with you.
Me: That doesn’t sound that bad.
Satan: They’re all really edgy and stupid.
Greg: What if Frodo killed himself, and the vision of him sailing to Valinor is just his final wishes as he dies?
I awake in an alternate reality in which only I remember Tolkien’s books. I sit down to write them and become rich and famous. “In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit,” I type. I cannot remember the next line. This is going to be a struggle.
People think that technology is eroding privacy but my phone always wants to correct cirith ungol as “critic unfollow” which tells me that technology knows nothing about me.
Jeweler: okay so I have your engagement ring ready, but you said you had something in mind for the box?
Me. Yeah. I need you to make something that fits with the line, “A box without hinges, key, or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid.”
Jeweler: a box without a hinge or a lid? what kind of box is that? i have no idea what that means.
Me: figure it out. that’s what im paying you for!
My wife: hey that miso paste in the back of the fridge, is it still good?
Me: *whispering* the old that is strong does not wither…
My wife: that means it’s good, right? can you just talk normally for once.
Family: when are you finishing your PhD?
Me: it took Gandalf 17 years to research a single thing for Frodo. how about we all keep that in mind, okay?
Wait if I’m addicted to Lord of the Rings, does that mean the character I most identify with is Gollum?
The couple stands in front of my rental house unable to get in. The husband sends me a text asking why the door isn’t open. “Look at the sheet that I sent you, near the bottom,” I reply. He scans the sheet again.
“Stand by the grey stone when the thrush knocks, and the setting sun with the last light of Durin’s Day will shine upon the key-hole,” it reads. “C’mon man, we thought that was a joke,” he texts back. I reply that sunset is luckily only a few hours away.
It’s 2019 and I’m constantly avoiding carbs and I love sushi so maybe I relate more to Sméagol than Sam Gamgee? Is that possible?