Me: my favorite parts of Lord of the Rings are the heroic characters, the beautiful passages about hope, and amazing world.
Tolkien: and all of the poetry?
Me: Uh…yeah. Yeah, you sure wrote a lot of poems in it.
Tolkien: They’re important for the world building.
Me: they sure are, bud.
Me: But the reason Frodo even became the ringbearer is because he was so weak, he could handle the ring and not be tempted by it! Hobbit’s very strengths lie in the fact that they’re a simple people who can be trusted with power in the ways that the rich and wise couldn’t be!
Banker: So…we should give you this massive home loan…specifically because you’re out of work and don’t have good credit?
Me: Yes, exactly!
Date: Have you thought about wanting kids?
Me: I want to have two kids. Identical twins, if possible. For one, I want to read all of the Lord of the Rings and then show them the movies. For the other, I want to show them the movies and then read the books. Then I want to measure their opinion on each. I guess if I had more kids I could add in the Hobbit and Silmarillion and do more experimentation. I haven’t thought that all out yet. What about you?
Date: Waiter? Check please, I need to leave immediately.
My wife: Are you finished cleaning the bathrooms like you said you would?
Me: *lying on bathroom floor* Darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time, and I wandered far on roads that I will not tell. Naked I was sent back – for a brief time, until my task is done.
Wife: Where are your clothes?
I relate to Frodo because once, a mile into a long hike, I had a piece of gum and I had to carry the wrapper all the way back to the cabins to to use a trashcan.
The yule log that I made this year was white, in honor of the White Tree of Gondor. Didn’t realize that serving it made it look like I’d cut the tree down as a sign of victory for Mordor.
Me: obviously shelob counts as a kaiju. But what about the Balrog? Does that feel right to you?
Barber: I meant what are you thinking about in terms of a haircut.
Whenever anyone compliments a piece of my clothing, my immediate response to to say “Thanks! It gives shape to my nothingness.” Which is why I no longer get a lot compliments anymore.
Me: I feel I need a holiday, a very long holiday, as I have told you before. Probably a permanent holiday: I don’t expect I shall return. In fact, I don’t mean to, and I have made all arrangements.
My wife: You’re in your late twenties, and you have a job. What are you talking about? Did you quit your job?
Me: I want to see mountain again.
Girlfriend: What are you not going to say to my dad when he opens the door?
Me: The thing that Frodo said.
*Dad opens door*
Me: A star shines on the hour of our meeting!