Category: about me

Are the Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien considered canon? What about letters that people wrote to him? What about a letter I just wrote to him last week? Trying to find out how hard it would be for Lollo, my Hobbit OC, to star in a series of Lord of the Rings spinoff books that I can claim are official. 

My dad never understood the ending to the Lord of the Rings until I explained that Sauron had a great offense but a terrible redzone defense and then he got it. 

Me: *rubbing lamp* I wish I could live in Middle Earth

Genie: So you shall, master. 


Numenorian guy: Hey we’re all gonna do another human sacrifice for Morgoth. Wanna join?

Me: This isn’t what I had in mind. 

Reading Lord of the Rings makes me feel hopeful because that’s a main theme of the book, but that’s carefully balanced by the despair that I feel that I will never create anything nearly as good as Tolkien did. 

Making original jokes about Lord of the Rings is hard. The books have been out for over 60 years. I’m proud of myself for thinking of “One Ring to Rule the Mall” and someone already thought of that in 1985. It’s rough. 

Hey guys if your significant other ever asks you why you chose to be with them, the correct response is not to reply with Gandalf’s line to Frodo, “Such questions cannot be answered. You may be sure that it was not for any merit that others do not possess: not for power or wisdom, at any rate. But you have been chosen, and you must therefore use such strength and heart and wits as you have.”

Host: would anyone like some wine?

Me: I wasn’t planning on drinking tonight, but sure, I’ll have a glass. 


Me *banging on table*: look in chapter three of the fellowship, a fox spots the hobbits sleeping outside and comments on it. Then in chapter 11 of the fellowship, when Strider is guiding the hobbits, the text mentions that they see a fox. Obviously we should be interpreting that it’s the same fox, following them because it’s curious about what th

My wife: so our cat does this thing where she breathes out heavily for a few minutes, like she’s gonna cough up a hair ball, but nothing comes out. Just air.

Vet: can you describe the sound more?

Me: have you seen lord of the rings

Vet: what?

My wife: please, not this.

Me: you know Gollum?

My wife: ignore him, please.

Baby: *crying*

Me: Hungry again? Looks like someone wants second dinner!

Wife: for the last time he’s not a hobbit. 

Professor: Can anyone here give an example of a tragic figure in literature?

Me: Gollum. 

Professor: Interesting choice. What makes him tragic?

Me: He has fond memories of sucking eggs with his grandmother, but then he lives under the mountain so he doesn’t have access to eggs anymore. So that’s pretty sad.