Author: The Earthbound Clouds

Concept: Glorfindel is chosen for the fellowship instead of Merry and Pippin, but everything about their plot lines plays out the same anyways. Accidentally gets Gandalf killed, captured by orcs, munching on snacks after being rescued, reveling in Saruman’s pipeweed. 

Gandalf: Others dwelt here before hobbits were; and others will dwell here again when hobbits are no more.

Frodo: sorry are you threatening me right now?

Pippin: I didn’t think it would end this way.

Gandalf: End? No, the journey doesn’t end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.

Pippin: What? Gandalf? See what?

Gandalf: Orlando, Florida. Disneyland. The greatest place on earth, Pippin. Epcot. Animal Kingdom. The final resting place of the mortal soul. 

Tolkien: I cordially dislike allegory in all its manifestations.

Also Tolkien: Numenor, my island that sinks under a giant wave, is also called Atalantë. Get it? Atalantë? Because that sounds a lot lik

Gimli: Truly Elrond spoke, saying that we could not foresee what we might meet upon our road. Torment in the dark was the danger that I feared, and it did not hold me back. But I would not have come, had I known the danger of light and joy.

*in another universe*

Elrond: On the road, you may see really, really beautiful, radiant women.

Gimli: I don’t think I can go

They have taken the bridge and the second hall. We have barred the gates but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes, drums… drums in the deep.

*Seven Nation Army starts playing*

Gandalf: *cocks shotgun*

Pippin: I didn’t think it would end this way.

Gandalf: How did you think it would end?

Pippin: I mean…in a haze of pipeweed, stuffed with food, choking on a final teacake? That always seemed likely for me. 

I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me…I mean…it already has, kind of. What are we doing here? Frodo is obviously dead. There’s only a few dozen of us, a hundred at most. What can we do? Sauron is a god. Everybody retreat! retreat!

Sam, in reality: Mr. Frodo we’re going to die. We can’t do it. We should just give up, Sauron will be merciful with us, he is the true ruler of all. 

Sam, finishing writing LotR: For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.

It’s 200 years after the destruction of the ring. Visitors can now do a guided tour of the Misty Mountains down to Gollum’s cave. There’s a gift shop at the bottom. They sell stuffed Gollum plushies for $35.