Author: The Earthbound Clouds


6 hour long fight at this year’s Tolkien Historical Society Conference about whether Middle Earth has bees, before I reminded everyone that the Rohirrim had mead halls, which means they had honey, which means there’s bees. Everyone sighed and the conference continued. This is the life of a Tolkien scholar. 


Frodo: I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things, Sam.

Me: There’s, like, 100 more pages in this book, what the hell?


Gandalf: I will not say: do not weep; for I am a hardcore feminist and emotional expressions are important for men and women. Don’t bottle up your emotions, that’s toxic. 


Gandalf: The ringbearer will decide where we go. 

Frodo: Wait so I’m deciding if we keep hiking up this terrible mountain…or like…going through an abandoned mine that’s probably haunted?

Gandalf: yes

Frodo: Bruh, I’m from the Shire. It’s flat farmland and this is my first time out of it. I have no idea. Why are you making me decide? Let’s flip a coin, that’s honestly the best way. 


Bilbo: *taking off One Ring in the Elven Kings hall* Hi everyone, I’m sorry to startle all of you but I have to speak up. I’ve been burgling this place for a few weeks now, and this is honestly the 20th party I’ve seen. You people are out of control. Shouldn’t you be doing something about the spiders or the evil forest out there? It’s a mess. I just thought someone needed to say something about this. 


Me: my favorite parts of Lord of the Rings are the heroic characters, the beautiful passages about hope, and amazing world. 

Tolkien: and all of the poetry?

Me: Uh…yeah. Yeah, you sure wrote a lot of poems in it. 

Tolkien: They’re important for the world building. 

Me: they sure are, bud. 


Galadriel: I grant you all this lembas. A single bite will fill a man for a day’s journey. 

Pippin: about this lembas – is it more a magic thing, or is there some ingredient in it that’s so filling?

Galadriel: It’s more of a magic thing, i guess. 

Pippin: cool. so can you magic me up some bacon instead? I’ll take magic bacon that keeps me full over some bread, please. 

Merry: me too, thanks. 

Boromir: Did I just hear something about magic bacon?


Galadriel: *handing over phial* May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out

Frodo: what do you mean ‘may it be a light’? Are you saying it might not work? Is this thing defective? Are you giving me trash? 


Elves: Hey Sauron is getting pretty strong. Can we get some help over here?

Valar: We’re sending some wizards. 

Elves: Okay cool. How many?

Valar: Uh…five. 

Elves: Are they particularly powerful?

Valar: No. We’re starting them out on low power. We’ll increase it if we have to. 


Elves: Really learning from the 1st age, aren’t you. 


Bilbo wanted to get out of the shire back when he was turning 107, but it took him a long time to think of the “I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve” line and he was adamant about saying something awesome before disappearing.